CW fandom speaks out on Suicide, self-harm, abuse, and mental illness

Unless you have been hiding under a rock, or you’ve just lost track of the days, you probably already know that today is September 10th. Did you also know that for the last sixteen years, September 10th has been marked as World Suicide Prevention Day (WSPD)? This special, and for many, solemn, day falls in the middle of National Suicide Awareness Week (NASW). The primary goals of WSPD and NASW are to encourage people to speak up about suicide, reducing the stigma surrounding it, and for one well-known organization, To Write Love on Her Arms (TWLOHA), “to give you tools to create conversations about mental health in your community that inspire honesty and openness, and to raise life-saving funds for treatment and recovery (To Write Love on Her Arms website.” 

As a person who has both struggled with mental illness as well as lost a loved one to suicide, I highly champion this cause and wanted to spotlight such an important issue. I also wanted to reach out to people in the SPNFamily, as well as other fandoms, to highlight their stories and how being involved in fandom has affected their mental health. I am in awe of the responses I received and humbly share the stories of some amazing people with you.

 

Thank you to our contributors:

Name: Jen  

Social Media: 

Twitter: @harknessbadwolf 

Instagram: jenaleidraven

Fandoms: Supernatural, Doctor Who, MCU, Timeless

 Name: Lara

Social Media:

Twitter:  @Larrs9325, @ZeroContextSPN, @swearnatural

Fandoms: The largest being Supernatural/the SPNFamily. But also The Hunger Games, Friends, Scrubs, Cougar Town, Stranger Things, and more.

 Name: Beverley

Social Media: 

Facebook: Beverley Burrows-Pym

Twitter: @bjpym

Fandoms: Supernatural, Doctor Who

 Name: Cynthia 

Social Media: 

Facebook: CJ Berry

Twitter: @CJBerry64

Fandoms: Supernatural

 Name: Cansas 

Social Media:

Twitter: @thewaywardnerd4 

Instagram: @thewaywardnerd42 

Fandoms: I’m in the SPNFamily (Supernatural fandom). I also love a few other things I’m just not involved in the fandoms. 

 Name: Jaclyn 

Social Media:

Twitter: @jaclynsmith2009

Fandoms: Supernatural

 Name: Tiffany

Social Media:

Twitter: @tiffiswayward, @fahyphoto

Instagram: TiffanyLynn81 

Fandoms: Harry Potter, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Supernatural, MCU

 Name: Patricia 

Fandoms: I am generally in the Tolkien and Supernatural fandoms, with a mix of Good Omens and Once Upon A Time too.

 Name: Holly 

Fandoms: I am part of the Supernatural and Doctor Who fandom.

 Name: Maddie 

Social Media:

Instagram: real_maddie_b

Snapchat: @maddiebonsnap

Twitter: @MaddieBLovesGH

Wattpad: @MaddieBWrites

Fandoms: I’ve had many different fandoms over the years, but I’m only really active in a few.

 Name: Sarah

Social Media:

Twitter: @JediSkog

Fandoms: Star Wars, Buffy, Harry Potter, Supernatural

 Name: Erin

Social Media:

Twitter: @SPNcrossroad

Fandoms: Supernatural AKA SPNFamily

 Name: Katy

Social Media:

Twitter: @1_day_more_ 

Fandoms: I am a fan of a lot of movies, tv shows, games, and book series. But I am and will always be a devoted member of the SPNFamily. 

 Do you have any mental health struggles, and if so, what are they?

Jen: Anxiety and OCD

 Lara: I have depression. Also a touch of anxiety, but that has gotten better over time. Eight years ago, however, it ate me alive.

 Beverley: I have spells of depression but mostly I’m [doing] ok now. I have been suicidal in the past.

 Cynthia: I live with schizo-affective disorder. I also have a neurological condition called prosopagnosia, which means I have no recall of faces, which tends to aggravate the other problem.

 Cansas: I was diagnosed with ADHD almost three years ago. I have not been professionally diagnosed with depression or anxiety but I’ve spent a lot of time researching, trying to figure out what was going on in my head, and eventually accepted that it is something I struggle with.

 Jaclyn: [After being sexually assaulted at 17], I started on a downward spiral of depression and anxiety that would stay with me to this day…I reached a point where I honestly believed I would be better off not being here. I almost tried to end my life. If it were not for a friend calling me at the right moment and, without even realizing it, saving my life I honestly think I would not be here to tell my story.

 Tiffany: Although I haven’t been officially diagnosed, I believe I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life. I have also dealt with depression off and on over the years as well as some suicidal ideation. 

 Patricia: Although not formally diagnosed, I do believe I may have generalized anxiety disorder.

 Holly: I have PTSD, major depressive disorder, and general anxiety disorder.

 Maddie: I’ve got anxiety and depression

 Sarah: I have depression, anxiety, PTSD, OCD.

 Erin: CPTSD &/or BPD, which include: Depression, anxiety, emotional dysregulation, addiction, self-harm, suicidal ideation/attempt(s)

 Katy: I always knew that my brain worked different, that I felt things more strongly, more passionately, and yes, more irrationally at times than other people. The world always felt like it was ending. At age 12, I attempted to commit suicide. I lived (obviously), but at the time, I really wished I hadn’t. I hid from the world. I didn’t even try to make friends or get involved in social groups because I just assumed there was no place for someone like me. Someone who thought the way that I do. Fast forward a few years to my freshman year of college and I decided to take advantage of school healthcare and see a therapist. It wasn’t long before I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Even with medication, I tend to have pretty deep lows that can be very hard to get myself out of. I began self-harming to block out the pain that my heart and soul were feeling on a day-to-day basis. 

 How has being involved in your fandom(s) helped you with those struggles? 

Jen: SPN is a big reason that I am doing as well as I am.  I lost my spouse and was introduced to SPN a couple of months after the funeral.

 Beverley: I joined the SPN fandom as a way of talking to other spn fans. I am totally committed to the SPNFamily, I GISH, I volunteer for Random Acts and take shifts on the Crisis Support Network. The SPNFamily has totally changed how I feel about myself and others who also share the struggle.

 Cynthia: I discovered last year at my first convention that I can sit comfortably in a room full of Supernatural fans, which I have never been able to do elsewhere. As a group they are so open, accepting, and supportive, that my paranoia was not triggered! 

 Cansas: Before “Supernatural,” I believed depression was mostly dramatic self-loathing teenagers. And while that is true in some cases it’s not the whole truth. After I finished watching it I began learning everything I could about it.

 Jaclyn:  I have always been a fan of shows like “Supernatural.” I was the X-files generation. I loved stories about the bad things in the world that were a metaphor for the human condition. It became my escape…I found the show one night, lying in bed at 1 am, not able to switch off and sleep. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I went on Netflix and saw the suggestion pop up. I read a few reviews and thought, “why not”. That was the beginning of my love affair with a show and actors that would, ultimately, save me in ways I didn’t realize I needed. The relationship between the brothers and how, despite their faults and mistakes, they are able to band together was so refreshing. They had faults. They weren’t perfect as some other characters on television. They were a breath of fresh air. The show has been a constant source of escape for me. When I feel myself going down the rabbit hole, I turn on DVDs or youtube and lose myself in their world. They showed me that, despite tremendous odds, if you have someone that has your back, you are strong and you can fight. This would become a cornerstone for me during one of the darkest periods of my life…[Yet], Throughout all this, the one constant in my life has been “Supernatural.” The show has taught me that, sometimes, putting your hands up and admitting that you need help is being strong. You can’t always fight alone. Many people credit the show with helping them. For me, it is simple. I would have not been able to put my hands up and say I need help were it not for the examples of strong but broken characters in this show. Not just the boys but characters like Jody and Donna.

Tiffany: I am most actively involved in the “Supernatural” fandom, where people, whether actors or fans, are very open about their mental illnesses. I have felt more able to open up about my issues because of the overall feeling of family and acceptance in the SPNFamily. In addition to supporting Jared’s AKF campaigns, I’ve also gotten a little involved in supporting groups like SPNSurvivors and Attitudes in Reverse (AIR), both of which began as a result of losing loved ones to suicide and do tremendous work in raising awareness about mental health and suicide. 

 Patricia: Being involved with fandom has helped tremendously. It gives my mind a distraction and knowing that the actors/actresses are out there rooting for me keeps me going each day; specifically Jared Padalecki, Rob Benedict, and Briana Buckmaster.

 Holly: I mainly use SPN as a tool to help me get through tough situations. I think of it like the boys going on a hunt. I picture the stressful thing as the demon or monster and then I think what would the Winchesters do? I research like Sam (getting the facts about the situation, not my anxious thoughts) then I figure out how to kill the monster. I get my support system like they call other hunters and I get my weapons which are my coping skills or medication. That all helps me defeat the monster and get through the hard times. 

 Maddie: Being a part of the fandom has helped me to not feel so excluded. I was born with something called Hydrocephalus. Because of that, I started experiencing these constant headaches that have caused me to struggle to keep up throughout my last years of high school. I started unintentionally drifting away from my friends and becoming a part of these different fandoms which have allowed me to continue to have these relationships and gave me a community I could be a part of again.

 Sarah: I found the “Star Wars” fandom in high school.  Losing myself in this universe made my homelife slightly bearable. I would fall asleep listening to the audiobooks in my headphones every night in order to not have nightmares. I began writing fanfic as an outlet for my anxiety. In college, I met people in other fandoms and gamers. These people became my family…it was because I didn’t fit in that I fit with these people (if that makes sense). Those people helped a depressed and broken Sarah leave the home that abused her. 

 Fandom helped me make friends. It helped me bond with my best friend on a whole new level. Supernatural allowed for an amazing bonding experience with my mom and then, again, my bestie. Despite my anxiety, I was able to meet others with similar struggles. To describe what the SPN family has meant to my mental health, would take more time than this allows. The friendships I made saved my life. Really. I was able to message on Facebook with them when I felt so low I was considering ending my life. This fandom has helped me find something within myself, a fighter, that is never going to give up.

 Erin: Being involved with the SPNFamily these past 6 1/2 years has been helping me to find my authentic self that’s been hiding behind a lifetime of abuse. 

 Katy: I have been watching “Supernatural” since it first aired in 2005. I was a sophomore in college and felt some kind of connection to the show like it was something I needed in my life. In hindsight, it started airing right around the time I got my depression diagnosis. However, I didn’t know about the SPNFamily until much later. By that time, I was married. I had children. I should have been at a high point in life, but I was at one of my deepest lows. One night, I sat on my phone exploring Google and YouTube and discovered that the “Supernatural” cast had conventions! I dug a little deeper and found videos of the conventions. That led me to hear the cast talk about their fans. The fandom. The family. A little more digging led me to Facebook groups and YouTube channels and fanfiction sites. I realized that I was part of something bigger. Without ever having known!

 Have any actors/actresses/people in the industry had an influence on you and how you view mental health or your own mental health in general? If so, how?

Jen: I found a kindred spirit with Sam and was curious about the actor who played him – Jared Padalecki, since I already knew who Jensen was.  Jared had just launched his Always Keep Fighting campaign and Sam was dealing with the loss of his girlfriend, so the match was made. It gave me a new focus, instead of focusing on loss and my anxiety, I focused on fighting for me (Jared), helping others (Misha), and rediscovering what I loved/who I was like music and writing (Jensen).  I then became more involved with the SPN family and have made lifelong friends. Chris Evans and Sebastian Stan (MCU/Captain America)have also been very open with their struggles with mental health, especially anxiety, and it makes me feel like I am not alone. “Doctor Who” always focuses on why people are important parts of the bigger picture, similar to Timeless. 

 Lara: I never considered relating famous people with my mental illness until I began “Supernatural.” Jared Padalecki has made me think many a time about what my brain does to me. He, Jensen Ackles, and Misha Collins are rays of sunshine in my days. When nothing else can make me smile, those three can. If it weren’t for them, I probably would not be here right now.

 Beverley: Jared, in particular, made an impact on me. I read his chapter in FDEWB [Family Don’t End With Blood] and cried (several times). I resonated with his story and wanted to help myself and others. I went to the AHBL10 convention in May and had a photo with the Boys in my Random [Acts] shirt and they thanked me. The next day I had one in my ‘You Are Not Alone’ shirt and Jensen gave me a huge hug. Jared wrote thank you on my photo.

 Cynthia: All of the “Supernatural” actors have helped in some way, but 4 in particular. Jared Padalecki has demonstrated how to be open and unashamed about one’s struggles. And Jensen Ackles demonstrated so clearly how to help a friend with struggles. He was the kind of friend we all wish we had in tough times. And then there’s Kim Rhodes and Briana Buckmaster. Their podcast has taught me more about myself and life and what is acceptable than anyone else in my 55 years. 

 Cansas: I learned Jared Padalecki struggles with depression. The more I listened to him talk about it I began to understand that not everyone with depression is being dramatic. After I completely understood that, I started realizing a lot of what Jared, other cast members, and fans have said sounded a lot like what I had been feeling, which encouraged me to do more research and figure out if I was being dramatic, like I was when I was younger, or if what I was feeling was a real problem. It took a while to accept that what I was reading really did apply to me, but with the help of the SPNFamily I did eventually accept it. There are still days when I doubt what I’m feeling is even worth mentioning, but each time I overcome that fear and ask for help the SPNFamily is right there for me to fall back on. 

 Jaclyn: After my mom died, the one thing that popped into my head was Always Keep Fighting. I started to read about Jared’s journey and realized I needed to put my hands up and say I am not coping and I need help. There is no shame in admitting it. Thankfully, my husband said to me you need to go see your doctor. He knew my history and my previous dark times and knew I needed to go.

 Tiffany: Like many others, I have probably been most influenced by Jared Padalecki after he opened up about his struggles with depression and anxiety. As he began his Always Keep Fighting campaigns, I started paying more attention to mental health in general, but mostly my own. I began to do more research. I read articles on websites like The Mighty and began to piece together things from my childhood that led me to believe I have struggled with anxiety my whole life but never knew what it was. Even though I lost my cousin to suicide in 2001, I had never done an American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) Community Walk until just a few years ago. Having had Type 1 Diabetes for 22 years, I have also been influenced and encouraged by Rachel Miner and her fight with MS and the way she tackles her health issues with such dignity, positivity, and grace. Kim Rhodes has also taught and inspired me to own my feelings and not just try to bury them. Finally, because Jared, Jensen, Misha, and the rest of the SPN cast understand the importance of mental health and talking about mental illness, I have been motivated to open up about my own struggles but also to be a listening ear to others who are struggling.

 Patricia: Each of those people has taught me something very valuable in their own individual way. Jared’s strength makes me want to keep fighting, Rob’s love of music makes me want to use music to help myself feel better, and Briana showed me that I’m beautiful no matter what everybody else says.

 Holly: I look up to Jared Padalecki a lot with his Always Keep Fighting campaign. I try to always have that in the back of my mind. I was recently hospitalized for another suicide attempt and I had tickets to go to a small local convention that the BMOL and Mark Pellegrino were attending. I used that as an incentive to get myself better and be able to meet them. When I met David Haydn-Jones, I told him I got out of the hospital in time to meet him and I was so happy I had gotten myself well enough to meet him. He just held my hand and said he was so glad I was there and said he could see the light within me. He was also wearing a suicide awareness shirt which meant so much to me. I love that everyone in the SPN family is so pro mental health awareness and they truly do care about each and every one of their fans. They are all genuine and kind. I will never forget what David had said to me and I use that as a daily reminder that I matter and I have a purpose. 

 Maddie: I first started understanding mental health and it’s importance around 2016. When the depression started I didn’t know much about what it was or how it could affect us as people until I was watching the “Supernatural” panel from Comic-Con from 2015. It was then that I found out what Jared Padalecki had been going through with depression and helped me to realize that even though we can sometimes feel alone in our struggles, everyone goes through them because we’re all just people trying to do the best we can.

 For me Jared’s Always Keep Fighting campaign has been the reminder I’ve needed that no matter what I’m dealing with, I’m going to get through it and that even though I may not think it at the moment, I’m way stronger than the anxiety and depression could ever be and there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. The Always Keep Fighting campaign also inspired me to get my first tattoo (a simple AKF on my forearm) so I can remind myself to keep fighting.

 Sarah: Carrie Fisher was open about her mental health issues and this was encouraging to see. Jared Padalecki was also instrumental in helping form a platform for mental health advocacy in the SPN fandom. He also has inspired me to seek help from a therapist and learn to help others.

 Erin: ~ Jared Padalecki, [because] I can empathize with Jared & Sam, so watching them Always Keep Fighting inspires me to do so.

 Katy: The biggest moment for me was when I found the #AKF campaign. I knew right then that I was in the right place. Jared Padalecki’s willingness to put his life out there, open and raw, to show us that we are not alone in this battle for each and every day set me on a new path in my life. I must have spent 10 or more hours that day watching and reading interviews in which Jared Padalecki, Jensen Ackles, Misha Collins, Rachel Miner, and others, spoke about their own struggles or how they can be a support to each other. Jared once said that if you are still here, you are conquering mental illness, not struggling or suffering from it. I decided that it was time for me to conquer. That was the last day I self-harmed. I am now 1045 days self-harm free. I understand now that it’s ok for me. Cracks and all. When I met Rachel Miner at a convention, she showed me such love and told me that I am perfect just how I am. Jared Padalecki cheered and gave me a huge hug when I told him that AKF helped me get self-harm free. Hev told me that I am beautiful and worth it. And you know what? For the first time in my life, I actually believed that. 

 Last, this year’s TWLOHA theme is #you make today better. How do you make today better?

Jen: All of my fandom influences focus on helping others and reaching out to others, so I make sure that I do that daily for the people that I interact with, by doing things like listening to them or assisting them with tasks.  I try to make the world a little better than when I woke up on a daily basis.

 Lara: Every day, I try to be kinder than is expected. While I feel like I’m trapped in my head and my monogamous, insignificant life, I still have the ability to make *others’* days/lives a little better. And how could I not take that opportunity?

 Beverley: I surround myself with positive people and spend my energy helping others in similar situations, whether that’s chatting on facebook, making them coffee or volunteering on the CSN site.

 Cynthia: That’s a tough question. Better for me or for others? I habitually make other people’s days better. I make eye contact and smile. I let people in front of me in line, both in traffic and in stores. I hold doors. I offer help to people who look confused or lost even though I don’t work there. These are things I do without thinking. But how do I make my day better for myself? I don’t know; I’ve never thought of that. I guess any time I get on my feet to do something makes my day better. Living on disability for psychiatric disorders makes it very tempting to park myself in front of the TV all day every day. Oh, and I now have a young cockatiel, and taking him out of his cage for some playtime always makes my day better. 

 Cansas: I make today better by being myself. There is only one of me that will ever exist. That makes me one of a kind. That means there are things out there that only I can do, people out there that only I can help. By trying to be someone else I’m abandoning all of that and making myself miserable in the process. That’s true for everyone, not just me. I may not be able to change the world, but I can change the world for one person.

 Jaclyn: I am a fighter. I fight every day against demons in my head. But I know that I have the supernatural family behind me and for that, I thank you. You have all saved my life and I cannot wait to meet you all.

 Tiffany: I make today better because I am strong in my convictions and passionate about what I believe in. I make today better because I believe in a brighter tomorrow. 

 Patricia: I make today better by reminding myself that I have survived 100% of bad days. I find something small to make me happy; whether it be a stuffed animal or a video.

 Holly: I have since shared my story so everyone knows they are not alone and I try to make today better by reaching out and checking on my friends. If I see someone struggling I reach out to see if they need to talk or if there’s something I can do to help them.

 Maddie: The first thing that comes to mind is how I’m there for others (or at least I try my best to be) when they come to me with things, and how my story could impact someone else. I know how good it feels to have someone check in on me when I’m having a hard time so I try my absolute best to be that person for other people.

 Sarah: Making today better, for me, is about lifting others up. A smile, a handshake, a cup of coffee, a prayer, a listening ear. You have no idea the impact you can have by asking someone how they are doing and LISTENING to their answer.

 Erin: I make today better by sharing content that is kind, informative & weird. #DeathToNormalcy

 Katy: I choose to make today better every time I get out of bed. Every time I feel that darkness creeping in, I drown it in positive self-talk. I follow Rachel and Jared’s lead and tell myself that I am special. I am beautiful. I am worth it. I don’t always believe it right away, but knowing that they do makes it feel possible. And knowing that better is possible makes me better. Today and every day. 

Written By Tiffany Fahy