I never actually met Naya Rivera. She never knew that I even existed on this big crazy planet. So, why was I completely gutted over her unexpected and sudden passing? Well, I, like millions of other fans, knew of her existence mostly for her inspiring portrayal of the unforgettable Santana Lopez on the hit tv show, “Glee”.
Santana was a not-so-friendly cheerleader who I didn’t care for in the beginning, but that did not last long. Naya’s portrayal of her made me fall in love with the character. Let’s face it, she did her job. She played a mean girl on the show but, her character was not at all mean. It was all just a cover to hide her true feelings for her best friend Britany.
After her shocking death in July, I became incredibly grief-stricken. I just could not wrap my head around the fact that this incredibly talented person so full of life that I admired and was inspired by, was not here anymore. What made things worse I think for me was the tragic circumstances surrounding her death. I kept dwelling over what could have happened to her and nothing added up for me. I was thinking of her son and how much she loved him. I felt depressed and what made matters even worse was the fact that there was nobody to talk to about how I was feeling. Nobody close to me understood why I was so deeply affected by someone I had never met before. But, make no mistake about it, grief was real no matter who it is for and nobody should ever shame you or make you feel like what you are feeling is wrong just because people don’t understand it. The fact is, someone died and I am feeling very sad. So, after reading so many posts on social media about others who were feeling the same way, I decided to write about my experience with the hope that I might help someone else going through the same thing and to say you aren’t alone.
I started searching for something, I don’t know exactly what I was searching for, looking up past interviews with Naya, videos, even watching “Glee,” again! I was looking for something; anything from Naya that would or could help me perhaps make peace with her passing. I started listening to the audio version of her book, “Sorry Not Sorry.” If you have never listened to someone read their own memoir before, I highly recommend it. It is so personal. It is unapologetically honest, raw, and funny like Naya was sitting right across from me. She was telling me the story of her life; like two girlfriends having coffee. It was comforting.
As I was listening to her story, I just kept dwelling on how unnecessary her death was and how she had so much more that she wanted to accomplish. “What if she had done this or what if that” and I was just driving myself crazy with all of these thoughts and then I heard it…Naya herself said “no number of ifs will ever make anything different” and I thought to myself, that’s what I was searching for. That statement hit me like a ton of bricks, and I cried. Naya was actually talking about the death of her friend and co-star, Cory Monteith when she said it and she had been so upset after his death. She was driving herself nuts thinking what if she did this or that maybe Cory would have opened up to her and she said thinking that way can drive you nuts and “no number of ifs will ever make anything different.” It’s true. Incredibly sad but very true.
I cannot change the outcome no matter how much I dwell on it. Naya also went on to say “Cory’s gone, and I miss him, and that is what it is. The only consolation I have is that I’ve always trusted that God has a plan for me, and he must have had one for Cory too, even if I don’t understand it.” Her words spoke to me and gave me some sort of peace. So, Naya’s gone, and I miss her, and it is what it is and the only consolation I have is, I too now have to trust that God has a plan for me and that he must have had one for Naya too, even if I don’t understand it.
Although I am still extremely upset over Naya’s passing and I do not think I will ever really get over it, I’ve decided that zero fucks are given anymore. I do not care what other people think. These are my feelings, they are real, and I have a right to feel them. I will not apologize for them. I have decided to turn my grief into something positive and live by Naya’s own words… “keep it moving” and I started by writing this article. Shout out to the Nayaholics!
“If you find it in your heart to care for somebody else, you will have succeeded.” Maya Angelou”
Written by Renee Porsia
