Welcome to the third part in our ‘Supernatural’ countdown to Season 15. I’m excited to be bringing these stories and lessons from our fans and some things that I have written for this.
Our third story comes from Jaclyn Smith:
“Sitting at the computer trying to quantify what ‘Supernatural’ has meant to me in my life, I find myself looking back over the many events that have brought me to this point of my journey. Too many to count and too many to recollect but I can try.
When I was 17, I was on holiday with a group of friends and, as you do, got drunk. You all know what I mean cause we have all done it. I went back to our cabin with someone I thought was going to look after me and, well, he didn’t. What followed was an event that I didn’t realize it at the time, would shape my view of men and relationships that would continue up until I met my husband. I can talk about this now but, back then, I hid it. I suffered a serious sexual assault.
I was ashamed, though it was my fault for a long time. I hid what had happened and never talked about it. I started on a downward spiral of depression and anxiety that would stay with me to this day. No-one knew and I never talked. Looking back I realize that that was wrong, it was not my fault. I was a victim but I am the type of person that didn’t want the label.
Fast forward a few years and I fell into the dark rabbit hole of depression. I reached a point where I honestly believed I would be better off not being here. I almost tried to end my life. If it were not for a friend calling me at the right moment and, without even realizing it, saving my life I honestly think I would not be here to tell my story.
Funny thing is, I have always been a fan of shows like ‘Supernatural.’ I was the ‘X-Files’ generation. I loved stories about the bad things in the world that were a metaphor for the human condition. It became my escape.
But, back to my story. My family life hasn’t been easy. My mother and father divorced when I was five. I am the big sister. I am Dean to my sister’s Sam. Writing that has made me smile because I realize that my sister and I are the female versions of the boys.
My sister is the studious one, getting a First in her degree from Oxford University and working in her chosen field. Me, I was and still am to some respect, the wayward son. I have done so many jobs throughout my life; everyday I fight the demons inside my head.
But, I drift off again. I found the show one night, lying in bed at 1am, not able to switch off and sleep. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I went on Netflix and saw the suggestion pop up. I read a few reviews and thought, “why not”. That was the beginning of my love affair with a show and actors that would, ultimately, save me in ways I didn’t realize I needed.
The relationship between the brothers and how, despite their faults and mistakes, they are able to band together was so refreshing. They had faults. They weren’t perfect as some other characters on television. They were a breath of fresh air. They made me laugh and cry, jump for joy and smile at times when I really needed it.
The show has been a constant source of escape for me. When I feel myself going down the rabbit hole, I turn on DVDs or youtube and lose myself in their world.
They showed me that, despite tremendous odds, if you have someone that has your back, you are strong and you can fight. This would become a cornerstone for me during one of the darkest periods of my life.
You see, in the last 7 years, between my husband and myself, we have lost 10 close family members. My husband has lost both his parents. I have lost both sets of grandparents, an aunt and uncle, two close family friends and, most recently, my mum. Throughout all this, the one constant in my life has been ‘Supernatural.’
It’s funny because my husband doesn’t watch the show, doesn’t understand my love for it and so, turning to Facebook and the internet, I found people that share my passion and love for the boys and the show. Through talking to other fans, I have met some of the best people in my life including two women that would come to mean the world to me and would help me deal with the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. But I will get to that.
I met Donna through another fandom and we got to talking and we both realized that we shared a love for ‘Supernatural.’ Donna lives in the US and I live in the UK but this woman has become the best friend to me that I needed. She is a cancer survivor, the strongest woman I have ever met and she has shaped my outlook on life. As I write this, I am three months away from finally meeting her at ‘Supernatural’ New Jersey this year.
Caroline, I met through a ‘Supernatural’ site on Facebook and she is such an amazing young woman. She suffers from anxiety as I do and it was through her that I learned of the AKF campaign. She is my sister from another mister. I am able to talk openly with both of these women and I am so blessed.
But back to my story again. In September of 2018, my life changed forever. I will never forget that day. I had just finished work and sat in my car and received a call from my mother’s neighbor to say she wasn’t feeling well and could I come up to see her. I raced over and rang for an ambulance as it was a Sunday and trying to get a doctor on a Sunday is a nigh-impossible task. As I went into her kitchen to find her medication for the paramedics and walked back in, my mother went back into her chair.
I didn’t realize it at the time but she was suffering a massive heart attack. Cue the worst next two hours of my life. I had to perform CPR on my mom until the ambulance arrived. They took her to the hospital and my mom’s neighbor and I sat waiting in the relatives’ room. I was numb and then the doctor came in and told us she had passed. My heart shattered into a million pieces at that moment and, 8 months later, still hasn’t gotten back together.
I now had to organize her funeral, deal with solicitors and the sale of her flat at the age of 38. This was not how my life was supposed to go. I dealt with it on automatic pilot. I didn’t break, I had to be strong for my sister. I was Dean living just for my Sam and not allowing myself to deal with what was going on for me.
But, over the next month, I went back to work and that was a mistake. I broke down one Saturday evening and realized that I couldn’t go on as I was. I cried, sobbed and shook as every emotion I had held in crashed through me like a wave. The one thing that popped into my head was Always Keep Fighting.
I started to read about Jared’s journey and realized I needed to put my hands up and say I am not coping and I need help. There is no shame in admitting it. Thankfully, my husband said to me you need to go see your doctor. He knew my history and my previous dark times and knew I needed to go.
Fast forward to now and writing this has been a cathartic experience. I had put it off for a long time because I thought I would break again but I realize that I am strong even when I feel like I am not.
The show has taught me that, sometimes, putting your hands up and admitting that you need help is being strong. You can’t always fight alone.
The ‘Supernatural’ family has been my lifeline. So many people have given me so much without realizing it. I am due to go to my first convention in September and have been scared. I have never flown alone before and I know this will be such an emotional time for me.
So many people have offered support and hugs without even knowing me. I feel like I have a support network of the best people now and that is what this show means to me. It is support and love and acceptance. It is full of strong people who may have bad times but we are all there to pick each other up and cheer when we have success. I would not have had this if it were not for this show.
Many people credit the show with helping them. For me, it is simple. I would have not been able to put my hands up and say I need help were it not for the examples of strong but broken characters in this show. Not just the boys but characters like Jody and Donna.
Writing this and going to a convention to meet the cast for the first time is a dream come true. I will cry that weekend and not because I am sad. Well, I am because it is because of my mom that I am able to fulfill a lifelong dream. I am grateful in ways I cannot say to this show and the actors.
I am a fighter. I fight every day against demons in my head. But I know that I have the ‘Supernatural’ family behind me.”
For today, I’ll leave you with this:
YOU MAY BE BROKEN BUT YOU ARE SO STRONG!
Written by Emma Haile
